


The Marvelous, Mortifying Misadventures of Monster-Mashing

by fiveyaaas



Series: In Another Life [8]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Creatures & Monsters, Alternate Universe - Cryptids, Alternate Universe - Monster Hunters, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Cunnilingus, F/M, Face-Sitting, Falling In Love, Horror, Human/Monster Romance, Human/Monster Society, Monsters, Smut, Time Skips, Vaginal Sex, but i put some sort of time frame in most chaos, how the FUCK is that not already a tag, it kinda jumps around in time, it’s treated so seriously that i’m almost hesitant to call it crack, pls keep in mind, rip but also don’t read, so if that bothers you, this fic does not stray from monsterfucking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:20:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28053066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveyaaas/pseuds/fiveyaaas
Summary: “There is proof that there are creatures out there, beyond all levels of our imagination, incapable of descriptions in any languages at all.” She held no irony in her tone, something sort of rare for herself. “I’ve met a few.”
Relationships: Ben Hargreeves/Klaus Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy/Vanya Hargreeves
Series: In Another Life [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1868005
Comments: 8
Kudos: 23
Collections: The Occult Academy





	1. The Detrimental and Dramatic Disappearance of Vanya Hargreeves

**Author's Note:**

  * For [xxbunnykissesxx](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxbunnykissesxx/gifts).



> This fic is for xxbunnykissesxx, who agreed to a few fic exchanges!!! I just would like to say that I’m so glad to have her as a friend, and she’s seriously such a wonderful author. (PLEASE read WAP and The Corpse Bride if you have not already.)

**[The following document is a transcription of the last five minutes of the final episode of the podcast,** **_‘Horror, Seance, and Co.’_ ** **Started originally to promote Klaus Hargreeve’s Medium Service, it eventually grew to have sinister connotations when Hargreeves’s younger sister, Vanya, went missing at 21 years old.**

**Below is the last recorded episode, never broadcasted but obtained and leaked to the internet by a long-time fan of the series, Leonard Peabody. In it, Klaus and his husband, Ben, discuss the sighting of a cryptid, eight months prior. Disturbingly, Hargreeves claimed, after a barrage of questions on his social media, that he didn’t know his sister had been taken until hearing the viewer that called in say that they’d “taken… [her]... and” that “[she would]... not be returning.”**

**It is important to note that Klaus regularly refers to Ben as a ‘ghost’ in this, which he had in every episode prior. He’d even gone so far for this bit that his husband is listed as legally dead in Indiana state records.]**

**Klaus, chuckling:** … Yes, I had actually been quite surprised when I discussed it with one of my favorite ghosts. 

**Ben:** Oh, don’t flatter me. I know you’re fond of a lot of ghosts.

 **Klaus:** Well, the Long Island Medium isn’t going to be, is she?

**[They both laugh; it is a joke they have made before on this podcast.]**

**Ben:** Well, we are now taking calls from viewers. I gotta say... I’m surprised how many great discussions we’ve had so far from you guys. We only recently thought to make this show more interactive, mainly because we’d never expected to be so well-received with such a lovely audience. 

**Klaus:** It really is such a heart-warming experience, knowing that two husbands- a ghost and a medium, would have as lovely of fans as you all. We are beyond thankful. 

**Ben:** We really are. This first call is from… _huh._ You guys really are creative with these responses… 

**Klaus:** Oh, an interesting, uh… pseudonym. 

**[A beeping noise as they take the call]**

**Caller:** I’ve taken your sister. 

**Klaus:** Excuse me?

 **Caller, before hanging up:** She will not be returning. 

**[There is a few beats of silence before there is an unintelligible discussion, and then the sound of the recording device being turned off.]**

* * *

_One Week Prior_

When Vanya Hargreeves had started this interview, she hadn’t quite expected it to go as awfully as it did, but she’d known immediately that she would be seen as something of a fanatic by the man interviewing her. 

“There is proof that there are creatures out there, beyond all levels of our imagination, incapable of descriptions in any languages at all.” She held no irony in her tone, something sort of rare for herself. “I’ve met a few.”

“How would you describe them?” His tone was skeptical, but she’d have expected nothing less from somebody who hadn’t lived a life as she had. 

The question annoyed her, primarily, because she’d basically just said that said creatures were indescribable. “Well, per my last remark, these creatures are incapable of description, sir.” 

“How do you know it wasn’t your imagination?”

Her imagination wasn’t that good. “It’s intuition. You know right now that I’m not your imagination, correct?”

“Well, yes.”

“Same goes for me. I know what I saw.”

“And what did you see?”

“Something wonderful.”

He nodded, like he's placating her, before continuing, “So, Vanya, you have truly had quite an interesting life. Your brother is a famous medium, and your fiction on growing up with an alien father, chasing cryptids in your spare time, has gained much success, even a Netflix series in the making.”

“It’s not fiction,” Vanya snapped. 

“I’m sorry?”

“My story isn’t fiction. I have an extraterrestrial father, I chase cryptids in my spare time, and my brother really _does_ see ghosts.” 

Clearly unsure how to unpack all of that, the interviewer asked, “Would you say that being a female writer has still made you struggle as far as recognition goes, even despite your tremendous success?”

Vanya doubled down, “I have met quite a few cryptids in my life, and I’ve even fallen in love with one and intend to one day marry him.”

“I- was he an extraterrestrial? Like your father?”

“No, extraterrestrials _suck._ And are terrible at parenting. I hate extraterrestrials, and you should too.” 

“Uh-”

“Furthermore, what’s _so_ unbelievable about my life?”

“Well-”

“One day, I’ll be taken seriously. And then when I am, I hope you remember this interview, and know that you were somebody who wanted to laugh at me too.”

She stood up, leaving the room and feeling tears prick her vision. When she got into her car, she didn’t even think before she started driving off to the woods, just wanting the comfort of somebody who didn’t try to patronize her for believing. Primarily because he himself was something unbelievable. 

If Klaus wasn’t so busy with his podcast, she’d spend time with him instead, someone who grew up in the same household and therefore never once doubted. Hell, his husband had been dead since before he’d been born, so he wasn’t precisely living an ordinary life, either.

As she parked her car in a long abandoned campground, she rested her head against the steering wheel. Usually, at this point, somebody’s car would start acting odd, then their technology would stop working completely, and then they’d find themself wondering how exactly they’d gotten to the campgrounds at all. A lot of people complained of the peculiar occurrences, eventually ending in a lawsuit that closed the campgrounds down completely. 

But Vanya wasn’t concerned. Her boyfriend wasn’t gonna dick around with her GPS, not if he wanted to get laid in the next century.

She skipped to where he resided, searching for the sounds of blood-curdling screams or branches of trees grabbing out to her. Finding neither, she tried calling out, “Five? It’s me!”

No response. Worried, she said, “I didn’t actually mean it when I said that your lack of understanding when it came to modern technology made you unlikable! It’s actually charming!”

He still didn’t respond, and she worried then, “Five, please! Where are you?”

She saw movement in her vision. 

The only bloodcurdling scream she heard that night then was her own. 


	2. The Callous, Chaotic and Cruel Cryptid #5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long to update this one!!! I don’t think I realized that the chapters are only 1k each, so I might be updating it somewhat frequently now because it’s a lot easier to update than some of my fics. 😭

**[The following document is a transcription from** **_‘Horror, Seance, and Co.’_ ** **season two episode three, titled,** **_‘Vanya Has a Boyfriend.’_ ** **After the disappearance of Vanya Hargreeves, Klaus Hargreeves deleted the episode from all streaming services, claiming that both hearing and seeing it caused him too much emotional distress. However, around the same time Mr. Hargreeves also sold a thousand copies of the episode on** **_Ebay_ ** **for up to 50,000 dollars each, prompting a few very vocal bloggers to post theories as to whether or not Vanya Hargreeves had even gone missing in the first place. Their theories were immediately debunked after using the search engine, ‘Google.’]**

**Ben:** Hello, and welcome to another chilling episode of  _ Horror, Seance, and Co.  _ I’m your favorite host, Ben Hargreeves—

**Klaus:** And I’m  _ actually  _ your favorite host, Klaus. Joining us today is our expert on cryptids, my very own sister,  _ and  _ the writer of  _ Somewhat Ordinary.  _ Everybody, please welcome the one, the only—

**Vanya, sounding hesitant:** Klaus, why are you talking like that?

**Klaus:** It’s my influencer voice, Vanya. You wouldn’t understand. 

**Ben:** He’s been practicing it. Constantly. I would rather be spending time at my own grave. 

**Klaus:** Yeah, well, maybe you shouldn’t have married a medium, then. 

**Vanya:** Wait, you mentioned that I was your cryptid expert...

**Klaus, using the ‘influencer’ tone he’d used before:** That’s right, Vanya. We know all about your dirty, dirty laundry. 

**Ben:** Oh, give her a break—

**Klaus:** I will  _ not.  _ She’s dating a cryptid, and she didn’t even  _ tell  _ me about it. 

**Ben:** Have you considered it’s because every time she calls you start saying, ‘oh, sorry, Vanya my phone is crashing from this Wikihow on how to make excuses to get off the phone’?

**Vanya:** I  _ thought  _ that sounded suspicious. 

**Klaus, sighing:** She would have never figured that out, Ben. Just look at that stupid, naive face and tell me she would have realized I was lying to her. 

**Vanya:** Hey!

**Ben:** So, Vanya, about this boyfriend… Is he the type to come over for Thanksgiving?

**Vanya:** I’m sorry, Ben, but he’s a very shy and private cryptid. In fact, I’m surprised that he hasn’t messed with your tech—

**[They are interrupted by the sound of a loud shrieking noise before the recording is just static.]**

* * *

_ One and a Half Years Prior to the Disappearance of Vanya Hargreeves _

In her lifetime, Vanya had experienced many  _ somewhat  _ extraordinary things, but she was always out seeking something  _ more.  _ Constantly, she’d search for monster after monster, trying to find the one that would truly entrance her and fascinate her, the one that would make her change her perspective on life completely. 

She’d met some vampires, but they were all involved in a pyramid scheme, just as predictable and hopeless as humans. When she’d met a pack of werewolves, she’d realized they were all antivaxxers, just as predictable and hopeless and  _ stupid  _ as humans. No matter how many peculiar creatures she found, she had never found one that she couldn’t find on Facebook. 

So, she’d started searching the woods, hoping to find a creature that wasn’t corrupted by the modern world, one which would not understand the difference between Tumblr the website and a tumbler cup. She wanted to know what the world would be like if it hadn’t been tarnished by Karens. 

Cryptids, she thought, were her best shot. They didn’t seem to understand anything outside of the woods, and they likely wouldn’t even care if she joined them. Because Vanya was only half-human, most monsters didn’t mind her, though they would sometimes irritate her so much that  _ she  _ wouldn’t want to be around them. 

In her time searching around, she met a few cryptids. All of them had certainly been agreeable, but she hadn’t exactly connected to them in any way. BigFeet (BigFeet, of course, being the plural of BigFoot) weren’t the best conversationalists, and Mothman was clingy as fuck. No matter how much she searched, she couldn’t find what she was looking for.

However, when Vanya had been searching for cryptids, she’d actually found love. 

She’d not planned, even, to find Cryptid #5. Vanya had only gone to the shut down campgrounds because she’d figured  _ something  _ was out there. Truth be told, she’d just thought it was a demon (and  _ not  _ the Jersey Devil, which was a misnomer as  _ everybody  _ from New Jersey, in general was just the devil) trying to terrorize enough people that they wouldn’t annoy it. As it was, she could tell that was not the case as soon as she approached the grounds, noticing her GPS go out of whack and scowling, hopping out of her car, prepared to beat some ass. 

“This is Vanya Hargreeves,” she called out, grabbing a baseball bat _as well as_ a gun and stomping forward. It didn’t take long before she was within the thicket of trees, and she rolled her eyes at the monster’s display. Clearly, they were trying to show off, even though this was the most pathetic display she’d seen yet. And Mothman had  _ literally  _ tried to get her to meet his parents on the first date. “Whoever you are, know that I’m not going to narc on you, but I  _ do  _ expect you to be polite.” 

Not listening to her, the cryptid popped up behind her, like it was teleporting, and she walloped him with her gun. Something between a hiss and a scream fell from his mouth, a noise one might make if they were wounded.

Realizing that he’d probably completely destroyed her GPS, she hit him with the baseball bat, too. “Are  _ you _ the one who ruined my GPS?”

“What is that?”

“Ugh. Navigation.” 

“I have affected compasses before, yes.” 

“Oh,  _ fuck _ you.” She contemplated hitting him a third time, but her bat was on her non-dominant hand and she was aware she should probably stop hitting him with her gun, especially since she wasn’t entirely certain where the safety was or even if it was _on._ “You didn’t even know what a GPS  _ was  _ before you  _ broke  _ it.”

“Apologies, ma’am.”

“When was the last time you interacted with a human?”

“You’re not fully human.”

“Well, yeah, obviously, but that’s none of your business.”

“Alright.” 

“God, I wish I’d just gone back to Mothman,” she sighed, picking at her nails. 

_ “Mothman?”  _ The cryptid’s voice was incredulous. “Mothman is not one you should be  _ dallying  _ with.”

“Okay, so you hate Mothman. Got it.”

“He makes for  _ atrocious  _ company. It would behoove you to despise him as well.” 

Vanya blinked, realizing that the creature wasn’t even bleeding. She’d thought she’d gotten him pretty good, and she was the slightest bit offended that his body wasn’t reacting in suit. “Do you not _bleed?”_

“I am not certain.” 

“Do you have any pants?” She gestured to his nude lower half. Thankfully, with the way the creature was standing and the sheer amount of hair on him, there was  _ some  _ sense of modesty between them. 

She wasn’t aware that he was  _ able  _ to blush (considering the fact that he looked like the love child of one of the BigFeet, a Biblical angel, a peacock, the actor Jake Gylenhaal, the feeling of anger, a lightbulb and Mothman), but he blushed at her words. “Would you like me to wear pants?”

“Yes. And you should get a wax.” She studied his features. “What is your name?”

“Five. Cryptid Number Five.”

“As opposed to Cryptid Number Four?”

“No. There is no such thing as a Cryptid Number Four.”

Vanya didn’t know enough about cryptids to argue with him. “Alright, well, I’ll see you later, Cryptid Number Five.”

“Are you leaving?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Trying to see if you can follow a simple order. When I come back, I expect you to  _ act  _ like a peacock, not just partially _look_ like one.”

“Would you like me to take you back to your transportation device?”

“No, I would like to walk myself back. Uninterrupted.” She was flirting, just the slightest, and she hoped the cryptid hadn’t noticed. This one might be the one to break her heart. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!!! 💕

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading💕💕💕
> 
> I _beg_ you to check out the fanart that [whiteboyfanart](https://whiteboyfanart.tumblr.com/) made of this fic, which can be found [here.](https://whiteboyfanart.tumblr.com/post/644964878238531584/i-had-fun-drawing-fiveyaaas-s-cryptidfive-from) Also, I recommend checking out [Barry B Five](https://whiteboyfanart.tumblr.com/post/644596638532419584/bee-movie-au-with-barry-b-five), [Lord Fivequaad](https://whiteboyfanart.tumblr.com/post/644597939118981120/lord-fivequaad), and [Fivekey](https://whiteboyfanart.tumblr.com/post/644598083802513408/dragonya-and-fivekey) as well.


End file.
